a letter to a friend (on dating)

This is a letter I wrote to one of my younger friends who had questions about dating.

Dear Amy*,
Here is the list of relationship books I promised you.  I hope this will help you with your questions.  They have certainly helped me!

The most important things to remember are these: to above all, trust God.  (This is the hardest thing, to let God be in the driver's seat, and to let Him take us where we're supposed to go.  We keep on wanting to take the wheel, or at least get a peek at the road map!  But remember that His timing is perfect.)  Next, trust your parents.  I personally went through a lengthy rebellious stage, especially when they told me they didn't like the young man I liked.  But I eventually came to see that they were right.  (God let me take the hard way in order to work on my stubbornness.)  You and I have both been blessed with godly parents, and they really do love us and have our best interests at heart.  Third, never let anyone push you to do something you know is wrong.  Always value yourself and know you are an incredible young woman, and God wants the very best for you!  And fourth, be yourself.  When talking to young men, don't overanalyze (guys are usually pretty blunt).  However, guard your heart, because not everybody else has 'what's best for you' in mind.  More often than not, they have 'what's best for ME'!

Anyway... here are the best relationship books I know of.  I hope they help.  And if you ever have questions or anything you would like me to pray for, just let me know.

1) Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  The basic message of this book is that women need love and men need respect.  It doesn't mean that women don't need respect and men don't need love.  Instead, it takes a good hard look at giving one's spouse what may not come naturally for you to give.  It can be difficult for a man to communicate REAL love to a woman, just as it can be difficult for a woman to respect a man (especially if she )is mad at him).  Also talks about communication (an essential in any relationship).

2) Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel.  This husband-and-wife team talk about men and women's differences in communication with a clever food analogy.  Men are like waffles because they tend to compartmentalize, or put things in 'boxes' (like the squares on a waffle).  Women are like spaghetti because everything in our heads is connected, much like spaghetti noodles all touching each other.  These two were guest speakers that I was privileged to see once, and they were so fun and helpful.  Their message has stuck with me ever since, and it has REALLY helped me!  They also wrote a book for married couples called Red-Hot Monogamy.  I haven't read it yet, but I plan to after I am married.

3) For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa A. Rice.  I own this book, so you are welcome to borrow it anytime.  Basically it demystifies guys chapter-by-chapter, and explains them really well.  I referred to it a lot as a teenager whenever I was trying to figure out why a boy did something. (And there were a lot of those times, because I was boy-crazy!)  There's another book too, For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn, which I have also read.  It's basically the same thing except it's intended for married women, because it talks about sex.  It's not graphic that I remember, but it is honest.

4) Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson.  This book is actually about raising boys, so you wouldn't think that this book belonged in a list of books about relationships.  But actually, it really helped me 'figure out' guys so much better.  I read it in college, but I think it helped me get... well, less silly.  Maybe it won't help you as much as it did me, as you have more brothers and may already know these things, but I'll include it anyway.

5) I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.  Also I Gave Dating a Chance by Jeramy Clark.  I read them both before I actually started dating, and they were the subject of much controversy.  I came away from them both even more confused, since I was in unknown territory, and decided "not to knock dating until I've tried it!"  They were both helpful to my understanding, however, and helped me on my way to figuring out what I was getting myself into.

6) The Stork is Dead by Charlie Shedd.  This oddly-titled book was published in the 1960s, during the 'sexual revolution' (which has messed everything up).  It was written by a pastor to teens, and it is EXCELLENT.  You will probably have trouble finding it--it's likely out of print.  But... I own it, and you may borrow it!  It's short, full of clear, direct answers, and I highly recommend it.  (It's about sex, but not graphic at all, just very honest.  Includes lines guys use to try and lure you, etc.  Good for helping keep your guard up!)  My mom recommended it to me.

7) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  This book is about how you feel loved, and how to make your spouse feel loved.  Loving someone truly is great and good, but sometimes it can be hard to actually show love to them.  My top two "love languages" (how I feel loved) are without a doubt 'quality time' and 'physical touch,' but the book also includes 'acts of service,' 'gifts,' and 'words of affirmation.'

8) Quest for Love: True Stories of Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot.  Remember Jim Elliot, the missionary who got killed in The End of the Spear?  Elisabeth was his wife.  Okay, I'm not even done reading this, but this book is SO good I have to tell you about it!  I was a little wary at first, since I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but it's great.  My neighbor recommended it.  When I first opened it, I was like, "Oh great, this is one of those 'wives submit to your husbands' kinds of books," but as I got into it I thought, "Oh, this is actually pretty good."  It's about letting the man do the chasing and taking the initiative, but so much more...  Elisabeth has also written Passion and Purity, Let Me Be a Woman, and The Mark of a Man.  I haven't read them yet, but I'm definitely going to!

9) Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.  The companion book to Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (also recommended).  What it means to be a woman (or man) in God, how God meant us to be.  Take these books with a grain of salt, but they are still pretty good.  I own Captivating as well, but Wild at Heart was my favorite of the two.  That's probably because I was more interested in learning about men than I was in learning how to be a woman, but learning about both is kind of essential. :)

So that's the list.  There are many, many more that I have read, including secular books on dating, but these are the ones I found most helpful.  The best of the best, if you will.  I have sifted through a lot of information, because I personally want to be the very best wife and mom I can possibly be.  It's hard to be patient when I have this desire, but I know that if God wants me to be married, it will happen at the right time. (Our timing isn't always 'the right time' even if we feel ready.  Maybe the person we're supposed to be with isn't ready yet!  The best thing I have found during these times is to pray for my future husband.)

The last things I would like to share with you in this letter are two sayings that have been a great comfort to me over the years.

"What is popular is not always right, what is right is not always popular."
(Let it sink in...)

"It's better to be single and wish you were married than be married and wish you were single."

These have come back to me over and over, and I hope that they will help you if you ever need them. :)

So, my sister in Christ, you are wonderful and I am praying for you!  Hope this letter helps!

Note: names have been changed to protect privacy.

Book Review: Pegasus

This relatively new book is very similar in style to Robin McKinley's early works...until you get to the end.

In the world created within these pages, it is traditional for two peoples--the humans and the pegasi--to create a bond between carefully selected individuals in order for the races to better understand each other.

This is the story of a princess and her pegasus, and the secret that they uncover.

I didn't care for the ending at all--it was too abrupt, and didn't fully resolve things--but it was interesting until that point. However, the ending makes all the pages before it seem like wasted time, so I can't recommend this one wholeheartedly.

Book Review: The Blue Sword

Those of you who love Robin McKinley are no doubt already acquainted with The Blue Sword, as it is one of her very early works. However, I had the opportunity to discover it for the first time this past December, and fell completely in love.

This high-adventure tale has all the elements neccessary for a really good story: swordfights, kidnapping, danger, excitement, romance, and compelling characters. I loved it so much, I bought a copy online before I'd even finished reading the library copy. Highly recommended.

Book Review: Fire: Tales of Elemental Spirits

Another excellent story collection by husband-and-wife team Robin McKinley and Peter Dickinson, Fire brings together tales of such things as salamanders, hellhounds, and the Phoenix. Some of my favorite short stories included Dave's Wood (Dickinson), Hellhound (McKinley)--possibly the best story in the book, and Salamander Man (Dickinson), although I enjoyed them all. This one also includes a story about McKinley's Damar, entitled A Pool in the Desert. This anthology is even better than their previous endeavor, Water: Tales of Elemental Spirits!

Book Review: Water: Tales of Elemental Spirits

This four-star collection of six short stories by husband-and-wife collaborators Robin McKinley and Peter Dickinson is imaginative, satisfying, and extremely well-told. The tales are filled with mer-folk, sea serpents, water horses, and more, however, these are not your average mermaid tales. The rendering of the various worlds of the merfolk abound with rich descriptions, satsifying plots, and variety. Personal favorites among these stories included Water Horse (McKinley), Kraken (Dickinson), and The Sea-King's Son (McKinley). This last one surfaces as an unusual retelling of McKinley's favorite fairy tale, Beauty and the Beast. Excellent! [266 pages.]

Book Review: The Door in the Hedge

This collection of four short stories is great to curl up with on a rainy day with a good cup of tea. Along with two original tales by Robin McKinley, it also has her renditions of "The Princess and the Frog" and "The Twelve Dancing Princesses." Very enjoyable!

Book Review: Foxmask

Eyvind's daughter Criedhe has loved her friend Thorvald for her entire life. When Thorvald turns eighteen, he is given a disturbing piece of news by his mother, Margaret: that he is not Ulf's son as he had thought, but the traitor Somerled's. Desperate to find out whether he is truly Somerled's child in nature as well as by birth, Thorvald embarks on a voyage to find his father, who was banished from the Light Isles. Thorvald doesn't know that Criedhe has been watching him, and that she has stowed away on his ship to be with him. He is angry when he finds out, but by then they are already too far out to sea to simply turn around and take her home. This is a story about a young man's quest for his father, a young woman's journey to find love, and an ancient feud. Not quite as well-written as Wolfskin-- there wasn't enough time in the beginning to get to know Criedhe before she followed Thorvald to the ends of the earth, with the end result that I didn't really liked her at first. This act of love simply seems silly rather than courageous, something that she herself comes to admit later on in the book. Thorvald and several of the support characters are more interesting, though Thorvald isn't tremendously likeable either. Overall, the book was interesting and a good read, but not a fantastic one. My rating is 3.5 stars out of 5. [462 pages.]

Book Review: Wolfskin

All Eyvind has ever wanted in life is to be a Wolfskin, a warrior of legends serving the god Thor. When his elder brother, the Wolfskin Eirik, comes home, he brings Eyvind an unexpected task. Eirik's comrade Ulf doesn't quite know what to do with his younger brother, Somerled, who has witnessed terrible tragedy and become extremely withdrawn. It has become Eyvind's task to befriend Somerled and teach him how to be a boy. As clever Somerled and strong Eyvind spend time together, hunting, climbing trees, and learning combative training, they grow in their friendship, which becomes a brotherlike bond rather than an enforced task. In time, they become blood brothers, swearing an unbreakable oath to one another.

The years pass, and Eyvind becomes a Wolfskin of renown. As Ulf prepares to depart for a place known as the Light Isles, Somerled's newfound happiness wanes, disappointed that his elder brother is leaving him behind yet again. Eyvind speaks up for him to the Jarl, the ruler of their settlement, requesting that Somerled be allowed to go to the Light Isles. Ulf doesn't want Somerled to come, but he can hardly say no to the Jarl. In turn, Eyvind ends up also going along on the voyage, something he doesn't really want to do. As they reach the Light Isles, Ulf makes a peaceful contract with the king there, and the two peoples dwell in peace alongside one another. When Ulf is viciously murdered, Somerled takes over in his brother's stead, and the once-peaceful settlement becomes one of violence and bloodlust. Eyvind must put aside his blind obedience to Somerled and their blood bond, and search for the truth in order to save both peoples.

This is an epic tale based on the dark fairytale of The Singing Harp. There is a depth of cultural richness in this novel that makes the story gripping and believable. It's believable because it's very true to life. While reading it, I could really feel characters' pain, love, loss, longing, and betrayal as if it was my own. Some parts are so beautiful they'll make your heart ache; some so cruel and horrific you'll want to weep. This is not a book for the fainthearted-- some of the unsettling parts are quite graphic, and there are some sexual parts that make this book inappropriate for younger readers. The good and the bad twine together in a way that makes it feel like an epic of your own personal history. I give it 4 stars out of 5. [489 pages.]

Book Review: Cybele's Secret

A companion novel to Wildwood Dancing, this book takes place six years after the events of its predecessor and is told from the viewpoint of Paula, one of Jena's younger sisters. The scholarly Paula has been chosen to assist her father on a business trip to Istanbul to obtain a long-lost yet valuable artifact known as Cybele's Gift. Upon arrival, Paula and her father learn that one of their business associates has been killed, possibly in connection with the artifact--they aren't the only ones who want it, and apparently some bidders are prepared to pay any price to obtain it. Number one on Paula's list of suspects is the dashing pirate Duarte Aguiar, a man of ill repute in the city. Paula's father entreats her to hire a bodyguard to keep her safe during their stay, and she eventually hires a man named Stoyan. Stoyan is muscular and well-built, an excellent bodyguard. His previous employer, however, was the business associate that was murdered while Stoyan was away, so Paula questions his motives. While trying to learn whether she can trust Stoyan, Paula is invited to the house of a wealthy independant woman named Irene. It's not safe for women to walk the streets of Istanbul alone, so Paula must have an escort to get there-- either Stoyan or Irene's steward, the eunech Murat, while her father tends to business. The quest for Cybele's Gift is filled with danger, and Paula and her friends will be tested to their limits. Who can Paula trust? Who will stop at nothing to obtain the precious artifact? And why does the pirate Duarte seem so interested in Paula? The story that unfolds is interesting and exciting, but nowhere near as good as its predecessor. It's still a good story, however, and I'd give it 3.5 out of 5 stars. [424 pages.]

Book Review: Wildwood Dancing

What would happen if a well-known fairytale were given an unexpected twist? That's exactly what happens in this amazing book, which is based on The Twelve Dancing Princesses, and is suprisingly set in...Transylvania. There's something here for everyone, but the plot remains cohesive and intriguing. There's a Beauty and the Beast element, vampires (known in this story as the Night People), and the interesting setting of the Carpathian Mountains. Jena is a strong heroine, likeable, well-imagined, and easy to relate to. She is surrounded by equally strong characters: her sisters, Tatiana, Iulia, Paula, and Stela; Gogu, her best friend; and Cezar, her disagreeable cousin, who makes a very satisfying antagonist. (Don't be daunted by the unusual names-- there's a pronounciation guide in the back of the book.) Jena and her sisters have been making regular monthly trips to the Other Kingdom by way of a secret portal, where they dance until dawn. When the Night People come to visit the Other Kingdom, Jena fears for her sister Tatiana, who seems to have fallen in love with one of them, the handsome Sorrow. Jena knows that a relationship with one of the Night People is not possible, and attempts to persuade her sister otherwise. With wise advice from her friend Gogu, Jena will have to learn the meaning of true love, and how love can come in many forms. The rich descriptions of the Other Kingdom are breathtaking and spellbinding, and overall the tale is excellent. I had to read it again immediately after finishing it, it was so good! I am rarely able to give a book this rating, but this one has earned it. 5 out of 5 stars! [400 pages.]

Book Review: Murder on the Orient Express

I was first introduced to Hercule Poirot by my father, who got me hooked on the TV series with David Suchet at an early age. The distinguished detective has always been among my favorite mystery characters. Agatha Christie is widely considered the best of mystery writers, and Murder on the Orient Express is an unusual yet satisfying example of her craft. Christie's work can never be called formulaic, however, should such a formula exist, this book would be the exception. A murder in the night aboard the Orient Express train leads Hercule Poirot through an apparently nonsensical set of clues-- every piece of evidence Poirot finds only makes the case more difficult to solve, rather than less so. Only Hercule Poirot can solve such a baffling and intriguing case-- or is this one too much even for him? Murder on the Orient Express is an exciting, satisfying page-turner with a suprise ending. Four out of five stars, and definitely worth reading!

Book Review: Uglies, Pretties, Specials, Extras

I recently read the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield for the first time. It's commonly known as a trilogy, but in reality there are four books in this exciting teen series. The first three are about Tally Youngblood, while the fourth book gives a fresh perspective into the world created by a beauty-obsessed society. It may be science fiction, but it's believeable because it draws from the world in which we live today. Each book also has an exciting climax, and then climaxes again near the end so that you can't wait to find out what happens next!

Book Review: Along for the Ride

Light enough for the beach but filled with characters that are fleshed out just enough to leave you wanting more, Along for the Ride is a good lighthearted read that's perfect when you just want to relax.

Auden West is a teenage academic pro and the daughter of Dr. Victoria West, English professor extraordinaire, and Robert West, an "in the works" writer. Her parents are divorced, and her father is remarried to a twentysomething young thing named Heidi. Auden's summer begins with an invitation from her stepmother to come visit them and the new baby, a girl named Thisbe. (It's from Shakespeare, Auden's dad explains. He likes names with character.) Uncharacteristically, Auden decides to visit, realizing that this could be her last chance to connect with her dad before college starts, and later, her life as an adult.

By the end of the novel, she's learned a lot about relationships with people (and not just the boyfriend kind-- her family and new friends as well). I liked this book because you get to see the main character grow as a person, but you also see the people around her grow as well. Most of the characters in this book started off being complete jerks, but as the novel progressed, they learned a bit from their mistakes and tried to become better people. As Adam and Maggie have taught her, it's worth it to keep trying.

Book Review: Sleeping Murder

Gwenda Reed, New Zealand native, is house shopping in England. Her new husband Giles is still abroad, and she's looking for a place where they can both settle down and raise a family. She's eager to find a nice house and begin getting it ready for him. She finds a beautiful house in Dillmouth and buys it, but that's where the trouble starts... from the uncanny familiarity of the house to the frighteningly shadowed memories of Gwenda's childhood, it's definitely a case for Miss Marple!

Book Review: Murder With Mirrors

A Miss Marple mystery by Agatha Christie, Murder With Mirrors is also published under the name They Do It With Mirrors. While visiting her friend Carrie Louise Serrocold, Miss Jane Marple senses that all is not quite right. Carrie Louise and her husband Lewis run a 'College' for young criminals to try and turn them away from their life of crime. Someone seems to be trying to poison good-hearted Carrie Louise, but she herself can't believe that anyone would try to do such a thing. Suspicion in such cases would naturally fall to the husband-- but Mr. Serrocold seems genuinely concerned for her health and appears to love her very much. Is it one of the young criminals, who are not allowed outside after dark? Or is it a family member after Carrie Louise's money? Everyone has a motive! Miss Marple must find out what's really beneath the surface before it's too late.

Book Review: And Then There Were None

Also published under the title Ten Little Indians, this is an thrilling page-turner that will keep you up at night if you don't finish it in one sitting! Ten people are invited to a house on Indian Island. Slowly it's revealed that each of them have a rather sketchy past. One by one they are murdered-- but who's killing them, and why? (I can't say more or I'll spoil it entirely!) This is probably one of Agatha Christie's best works, and overall a chilling but excellent read.

Book Review: Shanghai Girls

Initially, this book caught my eye when I was browsing in a bookstore with a friend. I picked it up and began reading it (something I never do in a store), and found myself intrigued. I didn't buy it because I don't buy books I haven't read before, but did get it from the library. Upon completing it, I was very glad that I hadn't bought it...
This historical novel is set in China in the 1930s, and portrays two girls, Pearl and May, who consider themselves modern Shanghai girls-- until their father tells them that he's gambled away the family fortune and that they must travel to America to become Chinese brides. However, then the war begins as Japanese bombs start falling on their beloved Shanghai... The girls' flight from China brings them together in a way that nothing else ever could.
Unfortunately, despite all of their trials, I never really got to the point where I could care about what happened to the characters. Perhaps it was done intentionally by the author to represent the Chinese aversion to touching, but overall, the book seemed flat, empty, and depressing, and the ending left me dissatisfied. I didn't realize it was over until I turned the last page and found that there wasn't any more ("That's it?" I thought). There seemed like there should be another chapter at least, because there were a lot of loose ends. Not really worth reading; much less actually buying.

Book Review: Airborn

Airborn by Kenneth Oppel is my very first venture into the steampunk genre. (I've known of steampunk for several years, but hadn't been interested in it at all--until now.) The book is set on an airship called the Aurora, which gets its lift from the fictional gas hydrium. The main character (and narrator), fifteen-year-old Matt Cruse, is the ship's cabin boy. He is an extremely likable character--funny, daring, and easy to relate to. This last point deserves a bit more attention, as your average fifteen-year-old probably isn't a cabin boy, and he certainly wouldn't one on a luxury airship. Oppel has done an especially good job with this particular character, as well as the other main and support characters (I enjoyed the Captain and crazy Chef Vlad in particular).

It's been long time since I've read a new book that appealed to me as much as this well-written adventure. It's fast-paced, with action scenes in just the right places, and the technicalities of the airship aren't done to the point of incomprehension. The excellent way that Oppel has penned Airborn makes Matt Cruse's story completely believable, as well as a must-read (and for me, a must-own!).

Book Review: A Fairy Went A-Marketing

This beautifully illustrated version of Rose Fyleman's original poem is a nice change of pace from the ordinary. The artist, Jamichael Henterly, draws his inspiration from nature and creates a beautiful fantasy world. This is one of my favorite books from my childhood, so I'm a little biased in its favor... but if you can find it, the illustrations are wonderful!

Book Review: When the Sun Rose

This was one of my very favorite books as a child, and I still love it now because the illustrations are beautiful. The storyline is simple but very sweet: A little girl invites a lovely friend overy to her playhouse for an afternoon of painting, tea, and dolls. The illustrations are rich, vibrant, and colorful, and you can almost feel the warmth of the yellow roses and sunlight that are shown in the book.